Wednesday, September 7, 2016

STARS

Standard five.

It was a chilly evening in the month of October, and the weather couldn't be any better. I was away from home for the first time, away from the concrete jungle Mumbai was, in a small village called Karnala. Our school took us for frequent trips, and this was the first time they took us for an overnight trip. It was around eight in the evening, and we were walking to the dining hall. One of my friends shouted "Sab log upar aasmaan ko dekho!" (Look up to the sky, everyone). Hands down, that was the best thing I had ever seen. Hailing from a city where houses touched the sky, I had never seen the stars, as there would always be bricks and concrete to block my view of the sky from my balcony. The only other place I would regularly visit was my native Hyderabad, and it was polluted enough to convince me that stars were a myth. All Mumbaikars could afford was a hazy moon. I probably had seen stars before, I do not remember. That was the first time I properly remember looking at the stars. There was millions, probably a billion small white soot-like particles in the sky, flickering light and a countless other small things I missed whilst my stay in Mumbai. It was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I can never forget the way the huge sheet of black with white dots smiled back at the kid who had never seen anything of that sort, who had never found happiness in realizing that he was an insignificant dot in God's huge canvas. His city had given him nothing in the nine years of his stay there that he could cherish, but an unimportant village which was struggling to come up on the maps had given him something he could not forget even if he tried. It has been nine years, and I haven't forgotten even the tiniest bit about that night.
Going back to what the sky was for me before the stars happened. It was home to the moon until I saw stars at Karnala. It was home to that white ball of light which was an indispensable part of the stories my mom narrated to put me off to sleep. It was a member of my family, the one thing I had been constantly seeing and idolizing all my life.
But.
It is an institution of lies. Its glory is fake. Its warmth is stolen from the sun. Its stories are excuses for parents to put kids off to sleep. But the stars? The stars are something not everyone is privileged enough to see. Small dots at a distance no one knows about. Slowly radiating to die. Fading, dying, to become a part of someone's memory. Giving a person hope that their loved ones even after death exist in a world of dark blankets and white dots. Flickering dots hoping to become a part of someone's memory.

So now when somebody asks me which one is more beautiful: the stars or the moon, I don't give it a thought. Because the moon might be a ball of warmth, but is a lie. I would rather prefer tiny specks of truth that make my day.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Urban Sins : Food Version

I don't even find it necessary to add the words "Food Version" in the title, I guess it's justified as it's coming out of my brain. Food is love. Food is life.
Now that our mutual love for food is established, here are a few things which are nothing less than sins to be punished for :

1. Throwing out a Nutella jar without licking it clean
If you don't lick a nutella jar until it's spotless, you don't deserve to live on this planet. There's variety of ways to clean your jar, and a university is planning to offer courses on : "Efficient Nutella Management and Cleaning Techniques 101" (That is not made up at all).

2. Not Trying Out Every Flavor Of Ice Cream at a Party
I can't even imagine what that's like! X_X An ice-cream cocktail is probably the best thing you can do at a party. Good to eat, great to avoid a conversation with people(Because they'll look at you in a condescending way and run away from the mess you're creating). Replace ice-cream with soup, curry, cocktails blah blah and this post still makes sense. Trying out every item at a party you've been invited to(or have crashed) is your birthright. And you have absolutely nothing to regret.

3. Not eating two people's share of food due to the fear of gaining weight

Or three. Or four. Buffets are a test of your love for food, and this is probably the most important test you'll give. Eat like you'll never fit in your clothes again. Eat like that's the last morsel of food that you're gonna be eating that day(or that hour, if you're anything like me and stuff yourself every hour). 


4. Saying NO To Free SamplesDisclaimer : No animals were harmed in the making of this post. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.




5. DIETING
History has given us many examples where dieting/eating healthy has lead to a lot of discomfort. Adam and Eve were feasting on meat. The moment Eve decided to eat healthy and go for the apple, GOD was furious. And the rest, is history. Dieting is a sin and you immediately need to break up.


So, yep. That's about it. I have nothing better than this, partially because I have no imagination, and partially because I'm too lazy to think. I'll keep updating the post if someone gives me suggestions, or if I come up with any. Have anything you'd like to add to this post? Drop a mail : nsetty4@gmail.com Keep eating :)






Thursday, March 31, 2016

Types of People You Find at Dinner Parties

The most common oxymoron I come across? Dinner Parties.
Yep. 
I LOVE DINNER. And likewise, I HATE parties (Way to go, you antisocial person).
There are so many people you're gonna come across at dinner parties. And I, being the narcissistic person I am, have declared myself eligible enough to categorize all of them.

1. The Infinite Selfie Guy/Girl

Needless to say, this person can be the most annoying person you'll stumble across at a party. This person can be found under the bright lights near the entrance of the restaurant. Another easy way to spot this person is to turn your head away from the direction from where you hear someone say : 'My outfit's on fleek '. Because that sentence is always followed with the phrase "Let me take a selfie". And you don't need to see such negativity while you're desperately waiting for food.


2. The Sponsor

Basically, not me. I'm one of those cheap guys who just goes for the free food, irrespective of the hate I have for the person who's throwing the party. Yep, call me over for food, and I'll shamelessly tag along. Anyways, this sponsor is generous, or is tricked into paying for the whole thing(And if you find me sponsoring any sort of party, please note that I've been emotionally blackmailed, or I was just chosen to be the President of India). Poor thing, sponsor. Ah, the devious ways I've used to trick people into paying for my food *sly smile* . 

3. Alice in Wonderland

NOTE : This person isn't just restricted to dinner parties. This person can be found at every party.

Alice in wonderland is someone who's always in his/her dreamworld. The person who bumps into people and doesn't apologize, because he/she is too lost in his/her dream? Alice. The person who doesn't even pose for the mandatory post-party selfie? Alice. The person who doesn't notice that I've nicked food of his/her plate? Alice.

Actually, everyone. I'm really good at nicking food off someone's plate.


4. The Nikhil Setty

The heart of any party, The person who completes the party. The person who radiates positive vibes and aura. The reason the party's actually a party. The person loved by all. God's own creation. God himself. 

Just kidding.
The Nikhil Setty is someone who just comes to the party for food. The shameless bastard. The person who doesn't know anyone at the party, but FREE FOOOODD. The person who must have killed everyone in his/her mind at least a million times, but fakes a smile until the food is served. The person who disappears right after the dessert's done. There's a high chance you'll find this person just when the food is served.


 Just so you know, my name is Nikhil Setty, hence the name of this person.

5. The Chandler Bing

This particular induvidual finds it of utmost importance to crack an awkward joke to reduce the Tension/Awkwardness/Silence/WhateverTheHellHappensAtAParty.
Because, why not?



6. The Artsty Instragrammer

The artsy instragrammer is the only reason I'm on instagram. All those classy pictures of food they click *.* I'll tell you this. If you're(unfortunately) sponsoring a party, you need these people. They make food worth ten bucks look like food worth hundreds. Also, they don't even care about feeding themselves, which is good, cause they make your party look posh on instagram/tumblr/shaadidotcom/tinder and they don't cost you much.



7. Diet Coke ambassador

The Diet Coke Ambassador/Calorie Counter/My least favorite human being on this planet is a gigantic pain in the bum. Their constant urge to remind us that the food we're ordering is fattening, or their rejection of the food you place in front of them is so irritating, I could eat them someday( Oh come on, cannibalism isn't that bad. It's defined as :


8. Territory marker

Remember those good ol' days when you used to sketch on the walls of your room? This person sketches. On the table. With food. Either he's really devoted to mother earth and is offering her a sacrifice of what to me is the most holiest thing, or he's waiting for me to hit him on the face. With a plate. Till he's dead. Why do you think people come up with those cleanliness quotes? So that they can write stuff and put it up on the internet, even though no one reads?(To which my mom exclaims, and I quote this is what she said : Sounds like your blog ,Nikhil.#JustSaying. Ok not really. What she actually said is : "Stop this shit and prepare for your mids, which you have tomorrow).


9. The Kylie Jenner

Or anyone who's always looking flawless. SOFIA VERGARA. I LOVE YOU.
*drifts into wonderland, regrets abusing Alice*
TODAY'S DAILY DOSE OF SOFIA :


10. The KRK

If you're not Indian(Or if you have a life, unlike me), you don't know what I mean by KRK. He's a guy who abuses everyone. The KRK of the dinner table can place his lips gracefully on __________________. Be like me, KRK on the inside, Alice on the outside.

11. The Crood

Is it just me or does everyone have a friend who's ignorant to other food dishes? The crood has no idea of what's being served, and acts like he's never eaten food. Yes! He's the one who embarrasses your whole group in public.

12. The Guy who's gonna pay back "Later"

This person is the best. No words.
(This is because I'm this person and I don't want to elaborate on how awesome I am).


13. The person who records anything and everything.

And posts on social media. My potential roommate is one of these people. And I'm gonna kill him.


14. The guy who hates being recorded by anyone and everyone.

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME





So, There you have it! Did I miss anyone? Let me know! (Actually I'm not expecting anyone to tell me, because the only views I get are from my mother :3 (Thanks, ma!) )


Monday, January 18, 2016

Food Things Only Hostlers Can Relate To

Hey.
I didn't post for a LONG time. Why you ask? 
Because the last seven months have been very hectic. 
I moved out of my parents' house (OMG he used to stay with his parents? Loser!)
Then I moved to Punjab. And after I totally adjusted to that enticing place, I decide to leave it.(I'm Such a Genius -_-). I'm now in Odisha, India.
Anyways, I live in a hostel now.
And the struggle for good food is REAL.
So here's all the exhausting and draining problems which I have to keep up to right now.

1) All the hate for the Veggies your mom used to force down your throat are gone.

Shinchan's hate for Capsicum? If he's in a hostel, I'm guessing it exists no more, just like how I used to feel about Bitter Gourd.
 (Translates to : I don't wanna eat Capsicum.)



2) Forget Oxygen, your lifeline is Caffeine.
A cup in the morning, a cup in the afternoon and maybe a million in the night. And then you reach that point where there's blood in your body, and blood just happens to be a minority in your nerves.

3) You know the mess menu by heart, and thus you know when to go to a mess and when to starve to death.

Like our hostel! The menu is on my tongue, and I know when to eat and when not to. Bitter gourd on Wednesday? Eggplant on Tuesday? I've never tried them, and I never will.


4) You're an experimental chef now!

Like the other day, me and a friend experimented with different proportions of milk powder and coffee powder, and we had our end semester exams going on(And mom, if you're reading this, this is TOTALLY made up. This isn't the reason for me securing a D in Math).
                                             

5) Hiding your stock of food is the most important survival instinct you need to have.

It's hilarious. In my room, I have enough food to last a week, which no one knows about(Not even my roommate, unless he reads this blog(Which he doesn't, and Steve,  if you're reading this, I'll tell people about all the food you hide on the top shelf behind those shampoo and perfume bottles(Also, WHY do you have so many bottles?!))).

6) Crashing dorm room birthday parties is the most common thing you do.

I DO IT. (I'm embarrassed, don't blame me). Hey unknown person who I've never met! Happy Birthday. Nice cake you got there, by the way.

7) You know the whole staff of the nearest diner. 

And they're family.
And maybe you get an extra bottle of coke once a week, on the house.

8) No matter what, mess food SUCKS and you stop at nothing when it comes to insulting the food there. 

9) People will do your bidding in exchange for food. 

Also, your wealth is measured by the amount of food you have in your room. And respect follows.

10) No matter what, you miss the food your mom used to make. 



Saturday, November 28, 2015

Frozen

Some people are worth melting for.

But remember

No one's worth dieting for

.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

How (NOT) To Click Pictures - A weird assortment of our most grotesque and ignominious pictures(Serena's Birthday Post)

Firstly, this isn't a post about food. (WHOA, IKR, me and not food!)
This is about another thing I love, my best friend, Serena Vardhan.
You may ask - Why do you love her?
Simple reason, she cooks me food. Like the cake on my birthday(YUMM), all those after-school maggies and blah blah.
Plus, she gets three cans of cheese spread for free, EVERY FRIGGIN MONTH.
(everyone knows that free food tastes better)
Anyways, we've been friends for a really long time and I'm lazy to make you a card, so here's your birthday gift (This is actually a gift for you guys, 'cause now you know how not to click pictures).


Types Of Pictures You And Your Best Friend Click

1. The One when the other one's stoned.

And you decide to post it on social media because you want her to be grounded. Oh, you amazing best friend! There's a special place in hell for people like you *Insert that angel smiley face thing*.



2. The one where one is sick and the other one decided to take a selfie, just because she/he looks good.

Thank you Serena, Thank you very much.
If you don't remember, this was the day when I got my eye thing and I was partially blind, and you decided to force me to click a picture. Why? Because, good wind. *Sigh*



3. The one where you are posing decently, and the other one has to Just. Spoil. It.

I mean, that was the ONE picture where I was trying to give a decent smile. Good going, gurll.


4. The one where she looks amazing, and you look bad, and she uploads it as her profile picture.
I mean, look at me. She looks glam, Me looks sham.

5. The emotional one.
This was on your last day at your old place. I hate you for shifting to that new place and ditching me. 

This was on your last day in the city. Y u do dis to me? 

6. The one where you're tired after looking for food in a heavily crowded mall, and you look tired as eff.

7. The Pre-Puberty one.
I can't believe it. I'm actually putting up one of the most embarrassing pictures on the Internet. But we've all got this childhood pictures without the beard and acne and stuff.
I can't even.


8. The Signature-Pose.





We've all got that one signature pose. We have a million such pictures, with that self timer camera of yours, but I look super ugly.






9. The last-day-at-school Picture.
Everyone was crying, and there I was, making funny faces.



10. The one where the both of you look good.
Just kidding, we don't have anything of that sort.

Ok, enough of me joking around, uploading embarrassing pictures of us.
Happy Birthday Daisy! Thank you for everything. You're just as weird as I am. There's so many memories which I will cherish for the rest of our lives. Like how I banged on your door every afternoon, while you were sleeping, the Oreo-burning, the clicking-hundred-selfies and deleting 99, the constant search for cheap or free food, all the cakes that you've baked, all the maggie packets we've shared, all those famous people we made jokes on. Haha. Happy Birthday Serena! I planned on writing all of this and sticking the pictures to make a book sorta thing, but you know, Laziness. And I hate you for leaving me here and going to Bangalore. No one cooks me chocolate cakes anymore :@


Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Why Food Is your Perfect Soulmate

Because you're on my blog, I assume that you're not married or in a relationship with another human being. If you are, then WHY THE EFF ARE YOU HERE? Just Kidding!(Am I?) Anyways, your wait for your soulmate is over, because here are a few reasons why food is the ultimate soulmate anyone can have.


  • Let's face it, food is the only thing you're gonna get intimate with(Not in that sense, Or is it?) in the near future. You ain't gonna get no human. Pringles! 
  • Food does not argue with you when you change the TV channel. And what's a better way to spend the weekend than with food and netflix? 
  • Food does not complain. Food does not listen. Food listens. Food understands.
  • Food's shape is perfection *.* I mean, I can't explain it.
  • You can sleep with food on your bed. Without food on your bed. Food doesn't mind.
    The guy on the right. Story of my life.
  • You can skip meals for a day, and still food will not be offended. Unlike Rachel and Ross (Comment if you get the reference! )
  • Because you can't live without it for more than a few days. You're gonna die! So you have no option but to stick to food.
  • Food makes you happy.
  • Ask Tanatalus how much he loves food! For those of you who don't know, he was punished by the Greek Gods. His punishment? Locked in Tartarus, with amazing food and delicacies. The problem? They're just out of his reach! Yep, ETERNAL STARVATION. That's his punishment.
  • Because, Science.
  • Some of the best YouTube channels are based on food and drink. Epic Meal Time, My Drunk Kitchen, blah.
  • Chocolate comes from the cocoa tree. So it's basically greens. And everyone appreciates a good salad! 
  • Food never broke your heart, And it never will.
  • Every question in the universe can be answered by food. Here are few examples. If you're stuck in an awkward situation, Food. 
  • What's better than indulging yourself in a chocolate mud cake after a hard day's work?
  • Because food cares about your health. Yep. Food makes you exercise? Remember those days when there was no nutella at home and you walked all the way to the nearest convenience store to buy it? Here's a picture proof of your reaction when your mom announces that the dinner table's set.
  • “There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.” 
    ― Judith Martin
  • Because you needn't pay alimony to food after your divorce with it(Divorce meaning how some people give up non vegetarian food and decide to become vegetarians.)
  • Relationships end. Food supply doesn't.
  • Food De-stresses you. Yep. Spell Stressed backwards(Ik such an old one, don't throw stones at me)

There you go. I wrote down around 20 hillarious ones, but lost that page. I'll keep updating this post whenever those points come back to me. I'm gonna end this post with a very deep and emotional thought by a really amazing man.